Toughen Up?
Author:
Rabbi Schusterman
Date:
August 19, 2020
Tags:
Change, identity, Loving-Kindness, Relationships
Do we have to be careful not to offend one who is sensitive or maybe they just need to thicken their skin and toughen up?
A telling verse and commentary in this week’s Parsha sheds light. You shall not pervert justice; you shall not show favoritism, and you shall not take a bribe, for bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts just words. Deut. 16:19
Rashi; You shall not show favoritism; not even if it be only during the pleadings of the parties. This is an admonition addressed to the judge that he should not be lenient to one and harsh to the other, e.g. letting one stand and the other sit; because as soon as he (the party treated harshly) observes that the judge shows more respect to his fellow his ability to plead is hampered (i.e. he loses self-confidence and cannot present his case with assurance) (cf. Shevuot 30a).
It is clear from this that we carry responsibility and the ability to affect others self confidence. On the other hand where does personal accountability come into play? Don’t I have a choice and a responsibility to react externally and even perhaps internally in a way that is consistent with healthy acceptable practice?
In a wonderful article from Rabbi Simon Jacobson he outlines three ingredients to ensure a balance between these two and how we can check ourselves when communicating with others.
1. Humility – ensure that we are communicating to the other is not coming from a place of ego but true concern or responsibility.
2. Mutual respect – ensure the sacred space of the other but respecting them and their opinions.
3. Don’t intentionally offend – even if your words are coming from a place of humility and mutual respect, make sure they come out as loving words not offensive. Otherwise you are activating shame, fear, and the natural response of defensiveness.
Have a great Shabbos!
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