Qualifications of a good marriage counselor and some marriage advice

Turn it over and turn it over because everything is there – Mishna Ethics of our Fathers

This week’s Torah portion tells us how to find a good marriage counselor.

(BTW this advice can be used for any meaningful relationship.)

In this week’s Torah portion we are introduced to the laws of Tzaras. Tzaras was an affliction that may have appeared to look like leprosy but it was a spiritual skin discoloration intended to be a wake up call.

The Torah has a number of requirements for diagnosing this ailment. Here are some of them;

• Only a Kohen could pronounce the Tzaras as impure. Even if the Kohen was an ignoramus, a wise sage would make the determination but the pronouncement would need to be made by an actual Kohen.
• The Kohen needed to be an expert in all types of Tzaras.
• The Kohen needed to take into consideration the context of the Tzaras not just the discoloration itself.
• The Kohen wasn’t permitted to evaluate the Tzaras on a cloudy day.

In Kabbalah and Kohen epitomizes that attribute of Kindness and Love.

Marriage Counselor requirements.

• The counselor must be someone who has only love and kindness in their heart. Someone who has an agenda with the couple is out.
• The counselor must be able to have perspectives of all types of personalities and complexities in relationship. If the counselor is all about pathologizing the situation, he/she is out.
• The counselor must be able to take full perspective of the couple. What kind of home do they come from, what kind of complexities in their personalities are there, what are their strengths and weakness, etc. If the counselor is singularly focused on fixing the problem, the counselor is out.
• The counselor must not analyze the situation when it’s a cloudy day. When he/she is tired or out of sorts, he/she is out.

Marriage Advice – relationships are made up of two different people and we can be quick to judge a situation that may affect us negatively, so…

• Make sure you are in a loving place and make sure the approach is coming from a place of love and kindness
• Make sure before you judge you take into consideration where the other comes from and the entirety of their being
• Make sure before you judge you know the full context of the situation that has arisen
• Make sure you are well rested, well fed and not in a bad place when approaching the situation.

Good luck and good Shabbos!