Mazal Tov and Let them Rise Up
Sarah Chana Radcliffe, a respected family therapist writes the following:
Older kids as well as teens need more space to do things their own way. Parents, on the other hand, want to help their kids do things the best way, the safest way, the rightest way – THEIR way. They often suffer tremendous anxiety in letting go of the reigns. If you feel a strong need to give your older child lots of instructions, remember this: he learned everything you had to offer in his first decade. You did a great job. Now he needs to make some mistakes, find his own solutions and become his own person. If you continue to treat him the same way you did when he was 5 (directing his every move), he will either vehemently resist you (harming your relationship) or he will comply (and remain a child forever). Your child needs your trust now far more than he needs your minute-by-minute supervision.
This coupled with this week’s Torah portion’s instruction on parenting and influencing others creates the perfect balance for success.
The opening of the Torah portion states; Speak to Aaron and say to him: “When you light the lamps, the seven lamps shall cast their light toward the face of the menorah.”
The word for light in this verse is Behaalosecho which literally translates to “when you raise up”. Sometimes when you put a match to a wick it flares up and then goes out. Our Sages teach that the Torah is teaching us that the Kohen who lights the Menorah should not remove his hand that is holding the fire, from the wick until the flame goes up on its own.
The Rebbe teaches that this is a lesson for us in raising the flames of our children and those in our influence. We can’t be satisfied that we put the fire to the wick. Rather, we must make sure that the flame is burning on its own.
To do that we must find the balance between giving space versus disappearing. To give space is critical as the Mrs. Radliffe writes above. However, at the same time we need to be present, ready to and give guidance when requested to our children and those in our influence.
One may take instructions (both of them) to extremes; to either be a hovering parent never letting the child make a mistake or hurt themselves, or on the other hand to let the child figure everything out for themselves even when they are reaching for guidance.
Finding the balance between the two is what makes all the difference.
Good luck!
