Apology Therapy
Not sure if such a thing exists, but we find an amazing example of apology and sensitivity in this week’s Torah portion.
Jacob is on his death bed. He asks his son Joseph for a kindness. The kindness is that when he passes, he wants Joseph to bury him in Israel in Hebron in the Cave of Machpelah.
He says to him, (I’m paraphrasing), although I didn’t do this for your mother, I’m still asking you to do this. The commentators explain that Jacob was saying, “I know you have hard feelings towards me for not having buried your mother in Hebron (where I’m asking you to bury me). You should know that this wasn’t by choice, but part of G-d’s master plan. For in the future, the children of Israel as they will descend into (the Babylonian) exile, they will stop by her grave and ask her to pray on their behalf. Rachel will leave her grave and beseech G-d in prayer for the future return of the Jewish People.
Jacob was already in Egypt for 17 years. Accordingly, if he was concerned that Joseph had hard feelings towards him, why didn’t he mention this some time earlier? And if the concern only arises that Joseph might get these hard feelings now and might not carry through, that begs the question of Joseph’s righteousness that he might possibly take revenge against his father!
In fact, the Torah is teaching us profound sensitivity towards others. Joseph never had hard feelings against his father. Joseph would have never suspected his father did something that was for selfish reasons and knew for sure it was part of a master plan.
It was only when his father asked him to bury him in Hebron that he knew that Joseph would have felt disappointed. Disappointed for himself, for his mother, for the circumstances. At that moment Jacob wanted to ease the disappointment of his son.
And so Jacob explained to him that Rachel being buried on the road was something she would have wanted to do. It is consistent with the self sacrifice of the Jewish mother to want to be buried in a fashion that allows for her to further her sacrifice for her children in the future.
In doing so, Joseph’s disappointment not only will go away but he’ll actually be pleased that his mothers burial was consistent fundamentally with her own wishes.
So in offering an apology we can learn a few things. First of all acknowledge the real feelings of the other. Try to understand where they are coming from. Then genuinely empathize with them. Offer regret over what you could have done differently if you could have.
An apology is not always an admission of guilt but can often be simply a recognition of the others (hurt or disappointed) feelings.
